West Coast Recap
Writing this from a comfortable cruising altitude of 37,000 feet in seat 11C, it’s time for a statistical review of my sojourn to California, first to San Francisco for the TMS conference and then on to Los Angeles to visit Kiddo during her last days in Cali:

Number of days it rained, out of the 8 I was there: 7
Number of people who attended my presentation at the TMS conference: ~15
Number of Chinese meals consumed in Chinatown: 2
Number of museums visited: 5 (in order of preference – SFMOMA, Getty Museum, LACMA, Palace of the Legion of Honor, MOCA)
Cost of 90 minutes’ worth of parking at the MOCA in downtown L.A.: $19.70 (at least admission to the museum was free)
Number of celebrities seen out and about in LA: 3 (Larry King at Nate and Al’s, Diana Ross in Neiman Marcus, Djimon Hounsou sitting next to me at Katana)
Number of celebrities seen at the taping of the pilot episodes of The Nightly Show with Adam Carolla: 3 (Jimmy Kimmel, Marilyn Manson, Will Arnett – does Adam Carolla count? I say no.)
Number of visits to various Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf establishments with Kiddo: 6
Amount I moved toward being Tom Cruise all-the-way gay by ordering and enjoying an iced caramel latte at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf: 9 units
Number of times I crossed San Francisco Bay: 5
Number of times I thought to myself, “Holy fuck, these hills are steep” while in San Francisco: upwards of 100
Number of minutes it took to get from Union Square to the Palace of the Legion of Honor on the local 38 bus along Geary Street: 55
Number of rock posters purchased at Amoeba Music on Sunset: 10 (adding many Tara McPhersons to my growing collection)
Number of CDs purchased at Amoeba Music on Sunset: 1 (Lemon Jelly – ’64-’96)
Number of books purchased at City Lights: 4
Number of minutes spent at City Lights reading some Rilke: 20
Number of umbrellas purchased: 1
Number of times a museum security guard reprimanded me for using my digital camera (no flash): 5
Height of the shower head in Kiddo’s bathroom: 5’4”
Odor of the water coming from the shower head in my hotel room in San Francisco: ass
Color of the tap water in California: light brown
Number of Bentley Continental GTs seen on Saturday in Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, and Malibu: 3
Number of meals eaten at In-N-Out: 1 (Double-double was goooood, though Kiddo forgot to tell me to order it Animal Style)
Amount of Mulholland Drive blocked off due to mudslides: ~60%
Amount of the nachos at Duke’s we were able to finish off: ~35% (goddam those things need a warning, so much wasted food!)
Number of episodes of Pardon The Interruption watched: 0
Amount of money left on my BART card when I used it for the Oakland Airport shuttle bus instead of giving the driver 2 dollars, not realizing I wasn’t going to get it back: ~$7
Number of Marin Headlands rocks acquired: 1
Amount charged per hour by the hotel in San Francisco to use the internet-enabled business center: $10
Number of open wireless networks accessed from my hotel room in San Francisco: 3
Number of hot dogs consumed at Pink’s: 2.5 (chili dog, spicy Polish chili dog, the rest of Kiddo’s turkey dog – oh, and chili cheese fries)
Number of minutes waiting on line at Pink’s: ~15 (good, but not worth a several hours’ wait on the weekends, you fucking dumb tourists)
Number of football stadiums snuck into: 1 (Veterans’ Memorial Stadium, Berkeley)
Number of times I walked past the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Xanadu Gallery just off Union Square: 3
Number of Jersey Shore bred engineering Ph.D. candidates who dined at Moose’s last weekend: 2
Amount of the Golden Gate Bridge walked with the ‘Nuj: ~25%
Number of times I stayed on local roads to avoid traffic nightmares on the 405 and/or the 101: 3
Number of miles driven on the Pacific Coast Highway through Santa Monica and Malibu: ~20
Number of Kerry-Edwards and/or anti-Bush bumper stickers seen in the Bay Area: upwards of 50
Number of Bush bumper stickers seen in the Bay Area: 0
Number of ranting, drunk, homeless white guys encountered: 2
Number of flights taken on low-cost airlines: 3 (Southwest should be renamed Dirt Air)

So that’s how the numbers break down. L.A. was hardly impressive, kind of a dump, mostly boring sprawl, and everything that was considered worthwhile wouldn’t even give Broad Street in Red Bank much of a run for its money. Notable shops, restaurants, bars, etc., only went on for a block or two in each section of town. I was kind of surprised, but now I know what Kiddo was talking about. She’s got a great apartment in pretty much the best neighborhood in Beverly Hills, works for the CEOs of 20th Century Fox Television, and still thinks L.A. sucks. The anonymous sprawl makes Atlanta look downright cosmopolitan and restrained. Shocking.

San Francisco, on the other hand, was very impressive. Much thanks to the ‘Nuj for showing me around and beating up his car’s transmission to do so. Getting a drunk tour of Satan’s office on the 46th floor of the Transamerica Pyramid at 2 in the morning was a highlight as well. All my bros there tried to encourage me to move out to the Bay Area after I’m done at Tech, and though I told them it’s not likely, I’d sooner head out there than stay in the dirty dirty, that’s for sure.

And seriously, what would you do if an Oscar-nominated actor was seated rightfuckingnexttoyou in a cramped, crowded Sunset Strip restaurant? I wouldn’t want me interrupting my sushi either. The chick he was with, like the rest of L.A., was less than impressive. Kiddo did her best not to stare.
- posted by Liebs @ 8:44 AM